Create the perfect Valentine’s Day date from hell with these highly effective tips to scare off and disgust your date. In case sarcasm isn’t your strong suit, under each tip is what you should actually do if you want to impress your Valentine’s Day date.
In this article:
- Arrive Late
- Dress Like a Slob
- Unnecessarily Criticize Her Appearance
- Be Rude to the Service Staff
- Order for Her
- Only Talk About Yourself
- Share Stories of You and Your Ex-Girlfriends
- Brag About How Good You Are in Bed
- Eat Like a Total Mess
- Grab Food From Her Plate
- Talk About Porn
- Be an Annoying Drunk
- Look at Other Women
- Whip Out Your Phone
- Don’t Make Eye Contact
- Don’t Pay the Bill
- Ask for Sex
17 Tips to Screw Up on Valentine’s Day | What You Shouldn’t Do
1. Arrive Late
First impressions are very important. If you want to screw up your Valentine’s Day date, then make sure to arrive as late as you can, and with a sketchy excuse. Anywhere from a few minutes to an hour should be fine. Try not to show up too late, though, because your date might leave you.
Pro Tip: A surefire way to not get laid on Valentine’s Day is to ghost your date. Set up a date with a girl you’re interested in, schedule a reservation for two at a nice place, and when everything’s going smoothly, ghost her.
What you should actually do:
The basic rule of making a good first impression is to arrive on time or earlier. Before your date even gets to see how you look, she’ll first notice how punctual you are, and nothing’s worse than a date that’s always late.
2. Dress Like a Slob
If you do decide to show up for your Valentine’s Day movie or dinner, then do so while looking like a complete slob. Pay no attention to fashion, don’t shave, and forget about even trying to smell nice.
Pro Tip: Wear print-on-print or denim-on-denim patterns. That’s sure to make her cringe.
What you should actually do:
Take some time to actually look nice for your Valentine’s Day date. It’s a simple way to show you actually care about the time you’ll spend with her. Looking like a slob will only make it clear that this date is nothing but a joke to you.
3. Unnecessarily Criticize Her Appearance
It’s not enough to look like a slob, you need to make your Valentine’s Day date feel unattractive as well. Make negative comments about her makeup, dress, weight, birthmarks, and acne.
Try to determine what her insecurities are within the first few seconds and target them. Simple lines like ‘Really? You can eat all of that?’ or ‘I don’t like dating girls who wear too much makeup’ should do the trick.
What you should actually do:
Regardless of gender, nobody wants to hear unnecessary comments about their physical appearance. If you have nothing nice to say, then it’s best to keep your mouth shut. Also, don’t try to woo her with fake compliments. Stick to sincere ones you actually mean.
4. Be Rude to the Service Staff
Before giving your order, make sure to be as rude as you can to the waiter. Nothing’s a bigger turn off than being rude and impolite to the restaurant staff. Tell them they’re incompetent, slow, and lazy. If they start talking back, request to see the manager. The bigger the scene, the better your chances are at not getting laid on Valentine’s Day.
What you should actually do:
It’s already bad that they’re working on Valentine’s Day, don’t make it worse by being a prick to them. How you treat the service crew says a lot about your character, so always be polite.
5. Order for Her
Once you’re done mocking the staff, it’s time to place your orders. Don’t even give her a chance to place an order herself. Instead, tell the waiter what you want your date to eat.
Pro Tip: After deciding what her order is, make another unnecessary comment about her weight. If she’s a bit chubby, you can say something like ‘We’re skipping desert ‘coz it looks like she doesn’t need it.’
What you should actually do:
Let the lady order on her own. What she eats and what she doesn’t is none of your concern. Imposing your opinions about her weight on her will only result in a big slap across the face.
6. Only Talk About Yourself
While waiting for your order, it’s time to make some small talk. But don’t ask her what she does for a living or what her hobbies are. You don’t want to hear about that, do you?
Instead, talk about yourself and how great you are. Make sure to share every single detail of your life. Of course, leave out anything that makes you look bad, if there’re any!
Also, don’t let her interrupt you. If she starts talking in the middle of your story, cut her off! It’s your story and you should do all of the talking.
What you should actually do:
It’s understandable to lose yourself sometimes and do all of the talking, especially when you’re nervous. But when you do, make sure to apologize once you take notice of it. Also, don’t ever interrupt your date, or anyone else for that matter, in the middle of a sentence. If you want to impress her, intently listen to her stories while naturally engaging in conversation.
7. Share Stories of You and Your Ex-Girlfriends
No story is complete without sharing your experience with your past girlfriends. Make a list of all the girls you’ve been with and share every single detail about them with your date. Feel free to stretch the truth a bit to make yourself seem cooler. The goal is to woo her with your charm, right?
What you should actually do:
Don’t ever tell stories about you and your ex-girlfriend. In fact, when your date asks about it, try to share as little detail as possible. Speak positively about past relationships, if you must. Trust us, nothing ever good comes out of these kinds of conversations.
8. Brag About How Good You Are in Bed
While you’re talking about your past lovers, make sure to include a detailed story of how mind-blowing sex is with you. Brag about how big your package is and how every single girl you’ve been with loves it. Don’t worry if you only have an average-sized penis. Just tell her that it’s the size of a tree trunk.
What you should do:
Surprise! Talking about how big or good you are in bed doesn’t turn women on. No matter how confident you are of your sexual prowess, it’s unnecessary to talk about that on a Valentine’s Day date, especially if it’s the first one.
9. Eat Like a Total Mess
The perfect recipe for a Valentine’s Day dinner nightmare is to eat like a pig. Stuff your face with as much food as you can, chew with your mouth open, and don’t even bother swallowing your food before talking.
Pro Tip: You’ll scare her away even faster if you can spit a few food chunks from your mouth while talking and laughing.
What you should actually do:
Whether you’re on a date or not, always mind your table manners. You’re not a five-year-old kid who spits food all over the place. Chew your food slowly, quietly sip your drink, and keep your mouth shut when eating.
RELATED: Great First Date Ideas That Won’t Break The Bank
10. Grab Food From Her Plate
It’s not enough to eat like a slob, you should also take food from her plate. Grab a few pieces of meat, a couple of fries, and whatever you want without asking. You know you messed up when she stares at you in confusion.
What you should do:
Unless you’re going steady and are very comfortable with each other, don’t grab food from her plate. The only ones who can do this are couples or friends who share their food with each other. It doesn’t work when you’re going out for the very first time.
11. Talk About Porn
Who are your favorite porn stars and what categories do you usually watch? Share it with your Valentine’s Day date. We’re sure she’d love to hear all about it!
What you should do:
Don’t talk about porn during a date – unless of course she brings up the topic and you feel comfortable enough to do so. Leave your sexual proclivities in the bedroom.
12. Be an Annoying Drunk
After dinner, it’s time to get some drinks! Nothing’s better than downing a couple shots of tequila while swigging a few pints of beer. Try to get as annoyingly drunk as you can to the point where you’re bothering everyone else on their Valentine’s Day date.
Pro Tip: As you drink more, make sure to raise your voice louder. A loud, annoying, and irresponsible drunk is definitely among the top list of guys that girls avoid.
What you should do:
It’s very irresponsible to drink to the point of intoxication on a date. Keep it classy with some wine, whiskey, or cocktail drinks. Also, don’t drink if you’re driving home. You can get a drink any time you want, but you only get one shot at life.
13. Look at Other Women
Did a really hot girl just pass by? Do a head-to-toe scan even when you’re right in front of your date! Just because you’re on a Valentine’s Day dinner doesn’t mean you have to stop being the playboy you are, right?
What you should do:
It’s a no-brainer to avoid glancing at other girls during a date. It’s very rude, and it’s a quick way to piss your partner off. During the date, don’t let your attention wander. Naturally focus on her and what she has to say.
14. Whip Out Your Phone
Are you on a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner date? Then it should be the perfect time to scroll through your Facebook news feed. Start sharing pics, memes, and videos without minding your date. It’s a surefire way to get a few awkward minutes of silence during the night.
What you should do:
Keep your phone in your pants, man. Nothing’s ruder than going on a date with someone who’s on their phone nonstop.
Pro Tip: Try doing some fun Valentine’s Day games to avoid running out of topics. Consider people-watching and making up funny little stories about strangers.
15. Don’t Make Eye Contact
One way to ensure she knows you’re not interested in her is to avoid making eye contact. Stare at the ceiling, her hands, the table, or even other people. Just make sure not to look at her eyes.
What you should do:
Making eye contact is a subtle way to make the mood more romantic. Just make sure not to have any food stuck in your teeth while you’re making eye contact.
16. Don’t Pay the Bill
Congrats! Your date has lasted a Valentine’s Day dinner from hell with you. Before leaving the restaurant, make sure not to pay even a single penny. Demand that it’s sexist for a man to pay the bill and that she should pay for everything. If you want, you can just leave your wallet at home.
What you should do:
Whether or not to split the bill is subjective and depends on a case-by-case basis. But never force your date to pay for the two of you. Suggest to shoulder the bill, but let her pay for her meal if she really wants to.
17. Ask for Sex
If your date hasn’t stormed out on you yet, even after everything, then this last one will do the trick. Before parting for the night, try to ask for sex. Don’t even bother using metaphors like coffee, movies, or dessert. Go straight to the point by asking, your place or mine?
What you should do:
Are you struggling to find out whether she’s DTF or not? The answer is really simple, if she says yes, then go. But if she says no, don’t even try to push it.
DTF Definition: short for ‘down to fuck’ and refers to someone who is willing to engage in a short-term sexual relationship
Of course, make sure to gauge your date before suggesting spending the night. It’s a very sensitive topic and you wouldn’t want her to call the cops on you, would you?
Here are some more steps to getting laid on Valentine’s day from Random Friend Squad:
These are just some of the things that’ll make a girl slap you on the face and storm out the door. If you’re like most men, avoid doing any of these to impress your date.
Act as civil and responsible as you can without looking like a pretentious idiot. Overall, the key to a good Valentine’s Day date is to have fun. Combine your interests with hers, and you’re sure to have a good time.
What’s the worst Valentine’s Day date you’ve ever had? Share your experience with us in the comments section down below!
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