Everyday it’s something new.
AI this, smart that—we’ve come a long way in a short amount of
time, but I personally think we need to take it easy on the new technologies for a while… like a
long while.
I’m not ready for people to start banging robots and holograms, and you shouldn’t be
either.
Here’s a list of the three products people say will make my life easier, but scare me
shitless on a daily basis.
1. Amazon Alexa
They say she’s not listening, but I don’t buy it.
If you don’t know what I’m talking about, it’s Amazon Alexa, Amazon’s virtual assistant
speaker that’s been taking the world by storm the last couple of years. Why? I’m not sure.
It’s a little creepy. I’d prefer my speakers didn’t talk to me. I’d like to keep that a human
thing.
The speaker can do a number of things other than play music (the thing speakers were
made to do). It can read you the news and set alarms and whatnot, and all you have to do
is say “Alexa,” and she just does it.
Amazon claims Alexa only starts listening when you
say her name, but like I said before, it sounds like a load of crap. Doesn’t she or it or
whatever you call it have to be listening in order to know that you said “Alexa”?
And if Alexa is listening all the time, what the hell is Amazon doing with all that information?
Why the hell do they wanna listen to me talk to my wife for half an hour about what
we’re doing for dinner on a Tuesday night? I’d like to think it’s some scheme Jeff Bezos
thought up because he gets off to the sound of people living their lives, but I have a
feeling the real reason is a lot less funny and a bit more sinister than that.
2. iRobot Roomba
The Roomba “vacuum” is probably the closest thing we have today to a piece technology
with a mind of its own.
According to their website, all the Roomba needs is a couple pushes of a button, and voila, the robotic vacuum cleaner when, where, and how you want.
How this thing does it is way above my paygrade, but I’m not about to buy a fully
self-functioning product from a company literally named after a Will Smith movie where all the
robots in the future gain self-awareness and try to take over the human race. Not in my
lifetime. Thanks for the warning, Mr. Smith.
And how lazy can we get? Vacuuming’s not my favorite thing either, but that doesn’t
mean I’m to invite a robot into my home.
If you’re too lazy to vacuum yourself, get a maid, and if you can’t afford a maid, then get off your ass and get a job. A little vacuuming never killed anyone.
3. iPhone
Now before you jump out your seat and try to strangle me through the screen, I’m not
talk about iPhone’s altogether.
I’ve got an iPhone, too. But the moment it started to ask
me for fingerprints and “face ID,” I started to get skeptical.
Face ID, for those of you who have not already signed your lives over to the regime
known as Apple Inc., is the newest way to securely protect your smartphone from
intruders.
Before, it was a four- to six-digit combination. Now, it’s the face your mother
gave you—now, Apple knows what you look like.
Why the hell do they want to know what I look like so bad?
This is a company everyone around the world already trusts way too much.
We give them everything—our account numbers, our tastes and interests, and all sorts of other
personal info—but now they’re asking for the only things that truly makes us individuals
on the physical level, and that is something for which I will not stand.
Don’t they have enough info on us?
Do us a favor Apple, and just be happy we let your glorified MP3 players take over our lives. Just stop asking for my fingerprints unless you’re going to charge me with something.
At the end of the day, I’ve got my cell phones and my Facebooks and whatever, too, and I’m
thankful for them making my life easier and encouraging my laziness, but things are getting out
of hand.
We might even come to regret it one day. I mean shit, do I really need a vacuum that’s
going to roam around the house like it’s my dog? Or a cellphone that can point my out in a
crowd?
I don’t know, maybe I’m a little old school, but I’d watch what I say around that Alexa
chick.