Christmas is tomorrow, and everyone is scrambling to do their last-minute shopping. But be weary my friends. There’s a lot of cool stuff out there that we don’t trust, so in the spirit of Christmas, we decided to make a list of products we think you should keep an eye on this holiday season. Here’s our list of gifts that scare the crap out of us:
It seems like everyone’s got an iPhone these days—even me—but it’s the phone’s little helper, Siri, that I’m really worried about. Just the other day, I was telling my friend how I wanted a new jacket for Christmas, and what’s the first thing I see the next time I pull up the internet browser on my phone? Advertisements for jackets.
Now, I’m no detective, but I think that means Siri is listening, and you add that to her location settings and face recognition capabilities, and that means Siri knows what I’m saying, where I’m at, and what I look like. I’m not saying anyone would be willing to pay for that information, but if they did, they would have just about everything they need to know. But I don’t think the government wants that information. That would be crazy…
Roborock S5 Robot Vacuum
My robot vacuum was already pretty scary, but at least it would get stuck trying to run through the wall, and I would be reminded of how harmless it really was. Now, the Roborock S5 Robot Vacuum maps out my house and learns the floor plan, so it knows exactly where it’s “cleaning” at all times.
I don’t love vacuuming either, but I’d rather my robot vacuum didn’t know my own house better than I do. Plus, with Alexa voice control included (which means it’s listening), the whole thing sounds like the beginning to the plot of a sci-fi horror movie. If you’re too lazy to vacuum, then please, get a maid or a roommate or a job or something, but please, don’t contribute to the end of the human race this Christmas season.
Ring Video Doorbell
Like every other technologically advanced product on the market today, the Ring Video Doorbell promises to make your life better and more secure, but I’m not sure if putting up a bunch of motion censored cameras in and around my home like it’s the national treasury is the best way to do that… unless there’s something buried inside my house that I don’t know about. I don’t know, I’ll ask my Roborock.
There are cameras everywhere these days—my phone, my laptop, street lights and buildings, but my home is the one place camera free and (almost) completely private. I can watch tv without ever having to worry if someone’s watching me and my every move, which is a genuine concern when there are people who can hack into a company like Target’s entire customer database—I don’t think hacking into your home security cameras would be that hard. But more importantly, if someone was watching me, I’d be the victim in another horror movie plot, so no thanks.
As you finish up your shopping today, don’t reach for the smart phones or robotic vacuums promising to make your life easier. There are plenty of gifts that can do that without all the cameras and microphones. So think about your family this Christmas season, and leave the fancy technology gifts on the shelf. You don’t want some guy hacking into your doorbell and watching you talk about your social security number while you’re naked in the shower. Merry Christmas!